We thought she had autism

Charlotte was born at 39 weeks on January 28, 2016 at 10:21pm and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

She was stuck in my birth canal for what felt like forever, but in reality, it was about 2-3 hours. Looking back, I blame my own inexperience and the doctor's decision to make me push for so long. But she eventually popped out and was covered in meconium(poop).

     Because of my bout with gestational diabetes, Charlotte was unable to maintain a stable sugar level on her own. I held her for 30 seconds I think, or was it 5 minutes? It was too short a time before they took her from me to take her to the NICU.

And if the roller coaster blood sugar levels weren't something to worry about, she started having seizures. Her father was holding her for the first time, his aunt was there visiting, and Charlotte turned blue. All the machines lights for bright, they were beeping so loud it sounded like screaming. The doctor discovered that there was some injury in her skull from the birth, and a bit of blood floating around in the skull as well. 

There were so many tests. Maybe it's viral. Maybe it's bacterial. Where's the blood coming from? Is it constant? Three days in and she'd had about 4 seizures. I cried. I couldn't stop crying. Then on day 4, after multiple tests, medication and prayer, the doctor said we could take her home. I cried that day too.

Flashforward to 2018. 

Charlotte is now 26 months old and is speech delayed. We thought, well maybe the seizures just made her a little slower than other kids, but we were wrong. While there is some communication, there, it's generally non-verbal. "Da" for most things, "Mama" when she's frustrated *rolls eyes*(lol), grunting when she wants something or doing something. Loud squealing. She likes touching fabric. A LOT. She spins and runs in a circle for no reason. She flaps her hands. She makes her fingers into somewhat of a claw shape and walks around like that.  To us, these things weren't troubling, but to her speech therapist during her evaluation, these were signs of autism. So we did what we thought was best, and that meant finding a psychologist who specializes in children under four years old. 

I found one (she's awesome by the way).  But the wait for the appointment was excruciating. The idea of my child being autistic scared me. And not for the reason you think. It's not that she would be autistic, she's my kid and I'm going to love her regardless. I worried about people. People can be cruel, and children can be mean. So, I went online and I went into the rabbit hole of information. I read articles. I watched videos of people who are autistic. I talked to my husband. No matter what happened, we would be there for our child. Then came the day of the appointment.

Dr. Tiffany Whitworth

We walked in, and the doctor talked to us, asked questions, played with Charlotte. At the end, she came to one conclusion: SHE'S FINE. If nothing else, she's quirky. She's extremely social, the doctor was surprised when she met her because she looked right into her face and smiled. Her play is great. She put a phone up to her ear, she fed a doll pretend food, she mimicked play with the doctor. The doctor was surprised that she knew the entire alphabet(she wouldn't say but pointed to letters when we asked), colors, shapes, and numbers. All those days I sat with her doing work, I thought she didn't know anything. But she was taking it all in. Her understanding is amazing, her speech just isn't there. Her quirks are a form of communication to her. When she's squealing, she's happy. She's flapping her hands because she's happy/observing or someone is in her space. They're quirks. Same as someone biting their fingernails, or playing with their hair. She recommended speech therapy, and some occupational therapy. Which we already have and the other we are going to get from a state program called Babies Can't Wait. So she's already heading in the right direction, and according to the doctor, when her speech improves, the weird quirks, or  as she calls it, sensory seeking, should decrease immensely since she can communicate verbally.

She's fine. 

I am relieved. But if the outcome was different, I would have put my all into helping my child. Then I began to think of parents who deal with children in all areas of the spectrum. I thought about all the patience, money, time and love they put into their children, and I just want to say that I respect the hell out of those people. Because I was ready with card in hand and a mindset that I was going to do anything and everything to help my child, who wasn't even exuding symptoms of SEVERE autism. 

To those parents I say, you are f***ing champions. YOU ARE CHAMPIONS. 

And to the parents who have their own suspicions, it never hurts to try and get a psychologist early. Early intervention would help immensely! My husband's cousin is what one would consider severely autistic, and his parents took him to therapy from a very early age. He is now 19 years old, in college, drives his own truck and, get this, has a girlfriend! AND they get along so well! It can be done. Don't get discouraged if it is autism, and if you're suspicious, don't wait.

Follow your instincts. Arm yourself with knowledge. There's help out there for you.

But most of all, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

Peace & blessings.

Janique.

Here's a vdeo of Charley doing numbers and colours with me:

Numbers and colors with Charley

Who was I before kids?

Who am I now?

Last night my husband asked what I wanted for Mother's Day. He already had things planned(cue the threading of the yeye brows, nails, toes, and hair But I couldn't be bothered with the hair), and apparently, he was trying to throw me off his 'trail'. I am notorious for searching and finding gifts, and making him tell me things that should be romantic surprises. Honey, I am too tired to even create a trail to follow. 

     But it really got me thinking. What do I want? And I know you're saying "Jewelry? Flowers? Dinner?" For me, I want practical gifts and while those things are nice, I much prefer a gift I can use. But I digress. I thought about all my hobbies. Do I even have hobbies anymore? You know what gift I came up with? A backpack baby bag. A backpack specifically designed to carry baby items. That's what I want for ME. I have 2-3 chances a year for me to get gifts that's specifically for ME and I choose a DAMN. BABY. BACKPACK. That's not a gift for me, that's a gift for the whole family. See, it's easy for me to get a gift for my husband. He has hobbies. He likes video games and reading. And for restaurants, he's a pretty simple guy, probably pizza buffet or Chinese buffet. He's not picky. But for me, like, what are my hobbies? What do I like to do in my spare time? WHAT SPARE TIME? Here's what I do with my spare time: Wipe vomit. Feeding baby and toddler. Changing diapers.

 Like, Who am I?

I used to be one of the cool kids. I had hobbies, I used to go out and have drinks every Friday with friends, and go get my hair done without lugging two kids behind me, and just be able to be MYSELF.

I haven't worn a touch of makeup since Christmas. It's mid-May. 

You never appreciate little things like that till you don't get to do those little things anymore. That's one of the reasons I restarted blogging. I need something that's inherently, solely MINE. I think everyone needs that. So here I am writing and trying hard to find a part of myself that isn't 'MOM' or 'WIFE'.

This does not mean that I don't love or like hanging out with my children or my husband. I lvoe just looking at my kids and seeing the strides they make, the things they learn and how much of myself or their father I see in them. BUT. I just want time to be Janique again. 

So.

In this blog, I will be myself. I will drink Moscato or tea and write the hell out of this. Because in telling my story, in expressing myself, I AM FREE. 

Love and blessings,

Janique.

What this blog will be:

I know that people like to say things like "Yea, I have a fashion/lifestyle/food(etc) blog." And that's cool. For now, I have no idea what direction I want to take this in. I just want to write and share these moments. I'm gonna write about the hard times, arguments with my husband, the amazing times, my children, lessons I've learned, the food I eat, or my family. There are going to be pictures, videos, maybe a recipe or DIY or 2. I don't want to conform to one thing. I just want to write my little heart out as much as I can.

it's gonna be dirty, hard to read, I'm going to share deep dark things. Because things are roses and rainbows every day. We go through hardships. We go through financial difficulties. We have mega parenting fails. And in talking about it, I feel like I can work through these things, take a lesson from them, and close it. I think and hope that people can appreciate and emphasize with the realness and say "I am going through this, and it makes me feel good that someone understands how I feel." Hell, someone may read it and get an idea of how to deal with something in their own life.

I hope I can be consistent.

Love and Blessings.

Janique.

p.s.  I've got an infant and a toddler so there will be days when I just don't post a blog at all. As I said, I'm just going to do the best I can.

I want to be THAT mom

May 11, 2018

I'm currently sitting here eating what I call a "deconstructed tuna sandwich", which is essentially the tuna mixture on top of toast with a side of cheddar sour cream and onion potato chips. How am I able to eat this luxuriously, AND in peace, you ask? SIT DOWN AND LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY OF MY PEOPLE.

It's been a hard day. A HARD damn day. And it's only 5:13pm. It started off so good. My husband let me sleep in a little, which he's been doing this past week and lord knows I need it. People kept telling me how hard it was going to be with a 2-year-old and a newborn. But I'm tough. I can handle it. Little did I know that I know so little.

Today, my daughter rejected 90% of the food I gave her. NINETY. PERCENT. There's crackers, french toast, grapes, juice, oranges embedded in my carpet, along with red and green washable marker and I had my carpets deep cleaned on the 6th *eye roll* but I've just come to accept that my house may never stay clean again. Along with this, it's like my infant will not stay asleep for more than an hour at a time today. Then nap time turned into, "I'll play for an hour and a half then go to sleep 20 minutes for bath time." Oh, I left her in that crib. I don't care. Nap time is the ONLY time in the day where I'm able to have a bite to eat and just sit by myself for an hour and a half(if the infant isn't awake). It's hard lining up nap times, and play time and I'm always left with dividing my time evenly, attempting to divide my time evenly, between them. BUT TODAY, I decided that I was going to do something nice for myself, seeing that it's mother's day weekend, I wanted to straighten my hair.

WTF WAS I THINKING?

It's like my kids got together and thought, "You want to look nice? LOL OKAY." Then one kid starts screaming, the other, while I was tending to the screaming one, found a PERMANENT RED MARKER, and went ham on one of my walls. Why won't these kids let me be great? My toddler has a 9am gym class tomorrow, and for once I wanted to look put together like the other moms. There's a mom there who always has her hair done nicely and wears makeup, I mean GOOD make up, not "I just started learning makeup and I don't know how to blend"makeup. Every time I see her I wonder when she even finds the TIME to do her make up before 9am on a Saturday morning. Who are you and why aren't you teaching lessons to us shabby moms?!

I haven't washed my hair in two weeks. TWO. WEEKS. Yea, judge me. Judge the f*&^ out of me. IDGAF. Because after a long ass day cleaning vomit, changing diapers, and playing with a toddler, all I want to do is shower, brush my teeth and get enough sleep before I'm woken up in the dark of the night, to stumble around while making a bottle, then feeding the baby and putting her to sleep, then lay awake with a minor bout of insomnia to be woken up in three hours to do that whole schtick again.

I want to be that mom who has it all together, then again, what's life like outside of the gym for her?
Hm.

Janique.

This blog still exists? 2018

Whoa, the last post was in 2015!

It's been three years. THREE YEARS. In that time, we've moved twice, bought a house, got a newer car and the biggest news of all: I'M A MOM OF TWO KIDS NOW. TWO. DOS. 

What a huge change from everything. 

I want to resume blogging for sure. There are things I want to share about being a wife. About being a mom. About the stories(yes I still want to write) in my head. I want to do all of it again. 

Question is: Is anyone still here?

-Love & blessings,

Janie.

Baby it's cold outside~ January 10th, 2015

Don't be mad at me.

This is what happens when you're husband who isn't home a lot finally gets days off. TWO WHOLE DAYS OFF. We've been watching stuff. Playing video games. We went out for a lunch date :) Went to breakfast at Krispy Creme. If you've never had a Krispy Creme doughnut, you have not LIVED.

Really, that's all we've been doing. Just hanging out. He likes it when I watch him play Last of Us, we did that and he beat the whole thing. 

Bought some groceries at publix, target for dog food. oh yea, I finally got my hands on a glue gun! Blooming clock, here I come! For all those who don't know what a blooming clock is, its a clock with spoons as flower petals:

I've got the spoons, the clock, the spray paint, and the glue gun & sticks. LET'S DO THIS.

Sorry I haven't been around, its just I'm trying to spend as much time with Ben since we don't get much as it is. 

I'll do my best.

Peace and unicorns.

Love, Janie.

Horrified~ January 7th, 2015

What a horrifying world we live in

Yesterday was the usual. Clean, cook, take care of the dogs, but yesterday I started watching things.

I stumbled on this adviseTV media channel on Youtube. The host shows clips about what happens in the world, and then states his opinion. Now what caught my eye about the subject of the video was "HIV positive male knowingly spreads virus to 30 female students on campus and records it". As if THAT wasn't horrifying enough, I clicked on the video in my suggested box: Stephen Fry's HIV and me. 

Here, Stephen Fry explores the virus in Britain, and some parts of Africa(Ghana and another I can't remember). People are dying from the disease and in Africa, safe sex is not encouraged because of religion, and the government does not think this is a problem, so they don't invest in HIV medication, and the little that in donated by Britain and the USA, is distributed on a more first come, first served basis. Which means, the later you are, the faster you'll die. How horrific.

Now, Fry went back to Britain to go speak to some gay men, since they are, statistically, at a higher risk for the virus, about the virus itself. Then I heard the worst possible things, one could ever hear. THE WORST.

HIV negative gay men were seeking out HIV positive men, for some sort of party, where a number of positive men would ejaculate inside the negative man, put an anal plug inside of him to MAKE SURE he became positive. The process was called being "Pozzed up". I couldn't believe it. My breath literally hitched in my throat. 

HIV NEGATIVE GAY MEN WERE PURPOSELY TRYING TO BECOME HIV POSITIVE. I was horrified. Teriffied. Scared. Digusted. Nauseated. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't. There was no way this was happening. So I googled 'pozzed up'. I wanted to know. Was this limited to gay men? Was this a new thing? God I had been thankful at that point that Ben and I both took HIV and STD tests prior to even getting together. 

What I found...SHOOK ME TO MY CORE. There's a website dedicated to "Pozzing up". They call it "the gift" or the "bug". And that the fun of it all, was the "hot and sexy" risk they took. And that it turned them on. And they were looking to infect other people at these "parties":

"Searching for men to poz me up. Hit me up, I'm in Wisconsin."

"Give me the gift of the bug!"

And I kept thinking:

OH GOD. OH GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. 

It's a real thing out there. And you all may be wondering, why post about this? You've heard it all. All the campaigns. All the 'Abstain from Sex' posters in school. But discovering this makes me frightful for my unborn children. What kind of world will they grow up in? A world where being HIV positive and sexually promiscuous is fine?

Don't get me wrong. There are many different scenarios for each HIV positive individual. Born with it, rape,the condom broke, even trusting someone you thought was good, but wasn't. It happens. But people actively seeking out HIV for "thrills" couldn't be more WRONG. 

Please, everyone out there. Before you and your partner decide to, I dunno, "get jiggy"?, please, please please get tested. And if you want throw yourself around town, please, do so safely. It's such a scary and, pardon my french, fucked up world right now that you never know who you're going to encounter, or what decision will completely change your life. 

Peace and blessings.

Love, Janie.