We thought she had autism

Charlotte was born at 39 weeks on January 28, 2016 at 10:21pm and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

She was stuck in my birth canal for what felt like forever, but in reality, it was about 2-3 hours. Looking back, I blame my own inexperience and the doctor's decision to make me push for so long. But she eventually popped out and was covered in meconium(poop).

     Because of my bout with gestational diabetes, Charlotte was unable to maintain a stable sugar level on her own. I held her for 30 seconds I think, or was it 5 minutes? It was too short a time before they took her from me to take her to the NICU.

And if the roller coaster blood sugar levels weren't something to worry about, she started having seizures. Her father was holding her for the first time, his aunt was there visiting, and Charlotte turned blue. All the machines lights for bright, they were beeping so loud it sounded like screaming. The doctor discovered that there was some injury in her skull from the birth, and a bit of blood floating around in the skull as well. 

There were so many tests. Maybe it's viral. Maybe it's bacterial. Where's the blood coming from? Is it constant? Three days in and she'd had about 4 seizures. I cried. I couldn't stop crying. Then on day 4, after multiple tests, medication and prayer, the doctor said we could take her home. I cried that day too.

Flashforward to 2018. 

Charlotte is now 26 months old and is speech delayed. We thought, well maybe the seizures just made her a little slower than other kids, but we were wrong. While there is some communication, there, it's generally non-verbal. "Da" for most things, "Mama" when she's frustrated *rolls eyes*(lol), grunting when she wants something or doing something. Loud squealing. She likes touching fabric. A LOT. She spins and runs in a circle for no reason. She flaps her hands. She makes her fingers into somewhat of a claw shape and walks around like that.  To us, these things weren't troubling, but to her speech therapist during her evaluation, these were signs of autism. So we did what we thought was best, and that meant finding a psychologist who specializes in children under four years old. 

I found one (she's awesome by the way).  But the wait for the appointment was excruciating. The idea of my child being autistic scared me. And not for the reason you think. It's not that she would be autistic, she's my kid and I'm going to love her regardless. I worried about people. People can be cruel, and children can be mean. So, I went online and I went into the rabbit hole of information. I read articles. I watched videos of people who are autistic. I talked to my husband. No matter what happened, we would be there for our child. Then came the day of the appointment.

Dr. Tiffany Whitworth

We walked in, and the doctor talked to us, asked questions, played with Charlotte. At the end, she came to one conclusion: SHE'S FINE. If nothing else, she's quirky. She's extremely social, the doctor was surprised when she met her because she looked right into her face and smiled. Her play is great. She put a phone up to her ear, she fed a doll pretend food, she mimicked play with the doctor. The doctor was surprised that she knew the entire alphabet(she wouldn't say but pointed to letters when we asked), colors, shapes, and numbers. All those days I sat with her doing work, I thought she didn't know anything. But she was taking it all in. Her understanding is amazing, her speech just isn't there. Her quirks are a form of communication to her. When she's squealing, she's happy. She's flapping her hands because she's happy/observing or someone is in her space. They're quirks. Same as someone biting their fingernails, or playing with their hair. She recommended speech therapy, and some occupational therapy. Which we already have and the other we are going to get from a state program called Babies Can't Wait. So she's already heading in the right direction, and according to the doctor, when her speech improves, the weird quirks, or  as she calls it, sensory seeking, should decrease immensely since she can communicate verbally.

She's fine. 

I am relieved. But if the outcome was different, I would have put my all into helping my child. Then I began to think of parents who deal with children in all areas of the spectrum. I thought about all the patience, money, time and love they put into their children, and I just want to say that I respect the hell out of those people. Because I was ready with card in hand and a mindset that I was going to do anything and everything to help my child, who wasn't even exuding symptoms of SEVERE autism. 

To those parents I say, you are f***ing champions. YOU ARE CHAMPIONS. 

And to the parents who have their own suspicions, it never hurts to try and get a psychologist early. Early intervention would help immensely! My husband's cousin is what one would consider severely autistic, and his parents took him to therapy from a very early age. He is now 19 years old, in college, drives his own truck and, get this, has a girlfriend! AND they get along so well! It can be done. Don't get discouraged if it is autism, and if you're suspicious, don't wait.

Follow your instincts. Arm yourself with knowledge. There's help out there for you.

But most of all, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

Peace & blessings.

Janique.

Here's a vdeo of Charley doing numbers and colours with me:

Numbers and colors with Charley

Who was I before kids?

Who am I now?

Last night my husband asked what I wanted for Mother's Day. He already had things planned(cue the threading of the yeye brows, nails, toes, and hair But I couldn't be bothered with the hair), and apparently, he was trying to throw me off his 'trail'. I am notorious for searching and finding gifts, and making him tell me things that should be romantic surprises. Honey, I am too tired to even create a trail to follow. 

     But it really got me thinking. What do I want? And I know you're saying "Jewelry? Flowers? Dinner?" For me, I want practical gifts and while those things are nice, I much prefer a gift I can use. But I digress. I thought about all my hobbies. Do I even have hobbies anymore? You know what gift I came up with? A backpack baby bag. A backpack specifically designed to carry baby items. That's what I want for ME. I have 2-3 chances a year for me to get gifts that's specifically for ME and I choose a DAMN. BABY. BACKPACK. That's not a gift for me, that's a gift for the whole family. See, it's easy for me to get a gift for my husband. He has hobbies. He likes video games and reading. And for restaurants, he's a pretty simple guy, probably pizza buffet or Chinese buffet. He's not picky. But for me, like, what are my hobbies? What do I like to do in my spare time? WHAT SPARE TIME? Here's what I do with my spare time: Wipe vomit. Feeding baby and toddler. Changing diapers.

 Like, Who am I?

I used to be one of the cool kids. I had hobbies, I used to go out and have drinks every Friday with friends, and go get my hair done without lugging two kids behind me, and just be able to be MYSELF.

I haven't worn a touch of makeup since Christmas. It's mid-May. 

You never appreciate little things like that till you don't get to do those little things anymore. That's one of the reasons I restarted blogging. I need something that's inherently, solely MINE. I think everyone needs that. So here I am writing and trying hard to find a part of myself that isn't 'MOM' or 'WIFE'.

This does not mean that I don't love or like hanging out with my children or my husband. I lvoe just looking at my kids and seeing the strides they make, the things they learn and how much of myself or their father I see in them. BUT. I just want time to be Janique again. 

So.

In this blog, I will be myself. I will drink Moscato or tea and write the hell out of this. Because in telling my story, in expressing myself, I AM FREE. 

Love and blessings,

Janique.

What this blog will be:

I know that people like to say things like "Yea, I have a fashion/lifestyle/food(etc) blog." And that's cool. For now, I have no idea what direction I want to take this in. I just want to write and share these moments. I'm gonna write about the hard times, arguments with my husband, the amazing times, my children, lessons I've learned, the food I eat, or my family. There are going to be pictures, videos, maybe a recipe or DIY or 2. I don't want to conform to one thing. I just want to write my little heart out as much as I can.

it's gonna be dirty, hard to read, I'm going to share deep dark things. Because things are roses and rainbows every day. We go through hardships. We go through financial difficulties. We have mega parenting fails. And in talking about it, I feel like I can work through these things, take a lesson from them, and close it. I think and hope that people can appreciate and emphasize with the realness and say "I am going through this, and it makes me feel good that someone understands how I feel." Hell, someone may read it and get an idea of how to deal with something in their own life.

I hope I can be consistent.

Love and Blessings.

Janique.

p.s.  I've got an infant and a toddler so there will be days when I just don't post a blog at all. As I said, I'm just going to do the best I can.

I want to be THAT mom

May 11, 2018

I'm currently sitting here eating what I call a "deconstructed tuna sandwich", which is essentially the tuna mixture on top of toast with a side of cheddar sour cream and onion potato chips. How am I able to eat this luxuriously, AND in peace, you ask? SIT DOWN AND LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY OF MY PEOPLE.

It's been a hard day. A HARD damn day. And it's only 5:13pm. It started off so good. My husband let me sleep in a little, which he's been doing this past week and lord knows I need it. People kept telling me how hard it was going to be with a 2-year-old and a newborn. But I'm tough. I can handle it. Little did I know that I know so little.

Today, my daughter rejected 90% of the food I gave her. NINETY. PERCENT. There's crackers, french toast, grapes, juice, oranges embedded in my carpet, along with red and green washable marker and I had my carpets deep cleaned on the 6th *eye roll* but I've just come to accept that my house may never stay clean again. Along with this, it's like my infant will not stay asleep for more than an hour at a time today. Then nap time turned into, "I'll play for an hour and a half then go to sleep 20 minutes for bath time." Oh, I left her in that crib. I don't care. Nap time is the ONLY time in the day where I'm able to have a bite to eat and just sit by myself for an hour and a half(if the infant isn't awake). It's hard lining up nap times, and play time and I'm always left with dividing my time evenly, attempting to divide my time evenly, between them. BUT TODAY, I decided that I was going to do something nice for myself, seeing that it's mother's day weekend, I wanted to straighten my hair.

WTF WAS I THINKING?

It's like my kids got together and thought, "You want to look nice? LOL OKAY." Then one kid starts screaming, the other, while I was tending to the screaming one, found a PERMANENT RED MARKER, and went ham on one of my walls. Why won't these kids let me be great? My toddler has a 9am gym class tomorrow, and for once I wanted to look put together like the other moms. There's a mom there who always has her hair done nicely and wears makeup, I mean GOOD make up, not "I just started learning makeup and I don't know how to blend"makeup. Every time I see her I wonder when she even finds the TIME to do her make up before 9am on a Saturday morning. Who are you and why aren't you teaching lessons to us shabby moms?!

I haven't washed my hair in two weeks. TWO. WEEKS. Yea, judge me. Judge the f*&^ out of me. IDGAF. Because after a long ass day cleaning vomit, changing diapers, and playing with a toddler, all I want to do is shower, brush my teeth and get enough sleep before I'm woken up in the dark of the night, to stumble around while making a bottle, then feeding the baby and putting her to sleep, then lay awake with a minor bout of insomnia to be woken up in three hours to do that whole schtick again.

I want to be that mom who has it all together, then again, what's life like outside of the gym for her?
Hm.

Janique.

This blog still exists? 2018

Whoa, the last post was in 2015!

It's been three years. THREE YEARS. In that time, we've moved twice, bought a house, got a newer car and the biggest news of all: I'M A MOM OF TWO KIDS NOW. TWO. DOS. 

What a huge change from everything. 

I want to resume blogging for sure. There are things I want to share about being a wife. About being a mom. About the stories(yes I still want to write) in my head. I want to do all of it again. 

Question is: Is anyone still here?

-Love & blessings,

Janie.

Baby it's cold outside~ January 10th, 2015

Don't be mad at me.

This is what happens when you're husband who isn't home a lot finally gets days off. TWO WHOLE DAYS OFF. We've been watching stuff. Playing video games. We went out for a lunch date :) Went to breakfast at Krispy Creme. If you've never had a Krispy Creme doughnut, you have not LIVED.

Really, that's all we've been doing. Just hanging out. He likes it when I watch him play Last of Us, we did that and he beat the whole thing. 

Bought some groceries at publix, target for dog food. oh yea, I finally got my hands on a glue gun! Blooming clock, here I come! For all those who don't know what a blooming clock is, its a clock with spoons as flower petals:

I've got the spoons, the clock, the spray paint, and the glue gun & sticks. LET'S DO THIS.

Sorry I haven't been around, its just I'm trying to spend as much time with Ben since we don't get much as it is. 

I'll do my best.

Peace and unicorns.

Love, Janie.

Horrified~ January 7th, 2015

What a horrifying world we live in

Yesterday was the usual. Clean, cook, take care of the dogs, but yesterday I started watching things.

I stumbled on this adviseTV media channel on Youtube. The host shows clips about what happens in the world, and then states his opinion. Now what caught my eye about the subject of the video was "HIV positive male knowingly spreads virus to 30 female students on campus and records it". As if THAT wasn't horrifying enough, I clicked on the video in my suggested box: Stephen Fry's HIV and me. 

Here, Stephen Fry explores the virus in Britain, and some parts of Africa(Ghana and another I can't remember). People are dying from the disease and in Africa, safe sex is not encouraged because of religion, and the government does not think this is a problem, so they don't invest in HIV medication, and the little that in donated by Britain and the USA, is distributed on a more first come, first served basis. Which means, the later you are, the faster you'll die. How horrific.

Now, Fry went back to Britain to go speak to some gay men, since they are, statistically, at a higher risk for the virus, about the virus itself. Then I heard the worst possible things, one could ever hear. THE WORST.

HIV negative gay men were seeking out HIV positive men, for some sort of party, where a number of positive men would ejaculate inside the negative man, put an anal plug inside of him to MAKE SURE he became positive. The process was called being "Pozzed up". I couldn't believe it. My breath literally hitched in my throat. 

HIV NEGATIVE GAY MEN WERE PURPOSELY TRYING TO BECOME HIV POSITIVE. I was horrified. Teriffied. Scared. Digusted. Nauseated. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't. There was no way this was happening. So I googled 'pozzed up'. I wanted to know. Was this limited to gay men? Was this a new thing? God I had been thankful at that point that Ben and I both took HIV and STD tests prior to even getting together. 

What I found...SHOOK ME TO MY CORE. There's a website dedicated to "Pozzing up". They call it "the gift" or the "bug". And that the fun of it all, was the "hot and sexy" risk they took. And that it turned them on. And they were looking to infect other people at these "parties":

"Searching for men to poz me up. Hit me up, I'm in Wisconsin."

"Give me the gift of the bug!"

And I kept thinking:

OH GOD. OH GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. 

It's a real thing out there. And you all may be wondering, why post about this? You've heard it all. All the campaigns. All the 'Abstain from Sex' posters in school. But discovering this makes me frightful for my unborn children. What kind of world will they grow up in? A world where being HIV positive and sexually promiscuous is fine?

Don't get me wrong. There are many different scenarios for each HIV positive individual. Born with it, rape,the condom broke, even trusting someone you thought was good, but wasn't. It happens. But people actively seeking out HIV for "thrills" couldn't be more WRONG. 

Please, everyone out there. Before you and your partner decide to, I dunno, "get jiggy"?, please, please please get tested. And if you want throw yourself around town, please, do so safely. It's such a scary and, pardon my french, fucked up world right now that you never know who you're going to encounter, or what decision will completely change your life. 

Peace and blessings.

Love, Janie.

Oh so late >.< January 6, 2015

$5.99 boots!

Hey everyone. Sorry for the late blog post >.< I kinda got caught up in hanging out with Benji, and well...yknow. Lol, sorry.

Yesterday was pretty boring. I got these really cheap boots that I ordered for my little sister in Jamaica. $8.34 with shipping baby! There's NOWHERE you can get boots for that price. And the site I got them from is all sold out. That site usually gets unsold clothing for other merchants and sell them for less, which is why i like it :D they're new, just..left overs :). If you wanna know the site, please comment below and I will happily give it to you! They don't have the GREATEST things, but if you search, you'll find something decent. Also, if you want a picture of the boots, just tell me!

I also got a little light I ordered to start vlogging again(Look out the vlogs, they're coming soon!), But I don't like it either. I didn't pay a lot for it, so I'm not mad. I think I'll just spend the money and get a good light. 

We also got a Christmas card from my high school and currently one of my CLOSEST friends, Peter-Gay. Its late, but I still LOVE it! Its so nice to hear from old friends, it makes me feel good that they remember. 

The rest of the day was spent cleaning, doing laundry and waiting for Ben. Yknow, the usual. Then he came home a bit earlier than usual, just a couple minutes. But I savor those couple minutes. We ate that gross velveeta skillet thing, and i stir fried some yellow squash and zucchini. The velveeta skillet just tasted like...over-processed cheese. Yknow that taste when you buy the super cheap cheese in the sketchy supermarket? Never done that? I did once >.< In Jamaica. Was gross. Blech. Ben agreed too, luckily we only bought two because they were bogo at Publix.

Either way, we spent the night watching New girl and cuddling up and going to bed.

I spend all day waiting to spend 2 hours be with my husband. And even though I cant stand Tuesdays- Thurdays each week, I try to truly enjoy the little time we have on those days. 

Peace, Love and Unicorns!

Love, Janie.

January 5,2015

OMG I ALMOST MISSED IT- 11:30pm

I almost missed today's blog post! >.< I sorry! 

Hello one and all! Or no one who is reading this >.> today was a good day! Yesterday was a good one as well. We watched new girl, ben played Lords of the Fallen while I was on the phone with my step mom for 45 minutes, then back to new girl. Our lives are pretty boring nowadays. 

This morning our alarms didn't go off so ben was almost late for work :/ good thing he doesn't mind taking yakisoba to work, or he would've had to buy something. 

Today I spent a bit of time just taking care of myself: cutting my toenails, tweeting my eye brows, exfoliating my skin. It was nice :3 then I got to cleaning and watched another terrible horror movie until ben came home...EARLY! :)

We took our millions upon millions of bags of trash to the trash can down the street of the complex. I mean really, how did we accumulate so much trash? What are we eating? Either way, it was starting to pile up, and I was happy to get rid of it. 

Then we started to play the Last of Us, well I watched Ben play. 'Twas awesome. Then we paused and he actually helped me with dinner. He mashed potatoes, helped me prep veggies, and helped me with the gravy. Oh, he also helped me time the searing of each steak(they were cut pretty thin so one minute of each side would do). We watched new girl while we ate, then went back to playing the last of us.

I'm proud of him for only complaining twice while he helped me cook XD

Anyway, we're in bed, and he's waiting for me to turn the lamp off and cuddle. Yknow, super important marriage business. 

Love, Janie.

January 4th, 2014

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY ~ 5;57pm

HHHHEEEEEYYYYYYY XD

So since last night wasn't so bad :) Ben came home a bit early, and we ate potato/butternut squash curry and rice. It is evident that we needed to go grocery shopping? LOL either way it was pretty delicious. THat's how life is these days, putting off grocery shopping days seem to be be frequent as Ben's schedule gets tighter.

I should learn how to take the bus and go myself but...I scared O.O Someone take the bus with me
>.<

He went to work today till 2, so he came home early and we went to Walmart and FINALLY got things to cook(yesssss I was tired of cooking yakisobas in the microwave however short that time was). I'm a cook. I think. Hell, I just like doing it. Then we went to publix and got bogo things(the only things we get at publix) and then to arby's for dinner. YUM ARBEHS XD

So here we are on the couch, like we usually do, watching New Girl.

Its the little things with him that I truly enjoy.

See you tomorrow.

Love, Janie

January 3, 2015

Nothing to report, Chief~ 8:10pm

Been a quiet day here at the Berrells. So we left off yesterday.

I was pretty depressed all day. With Ben working two jobs now, it's kind of difficult to get time with each other, and I was lonely. I can't be mad at him for working hard to provide for us, can I? With two jobs, things are so much easier. Bills get paid easier, we get things we want, but the price is definitely is time. 

I miss him. 

I miss laying around on the couch with our legs entwined, watching some show, usually Supernatural or something new we started (We just started New Girl and we love it). It's not like he's not trying to find a different job, he is, but we've all been through that, we get jobs we NEED, rarely the ones we WANT. And the jobs we want, someone's already doing it. I feel sorry for him, sometimes. He really wants to do audio engineering, which IS what he has a Bachelor's for, but again, all our dream jobs are basically taken. 

I DID get to spend some time with him today, so that was good. But he had to go to work again, so i has sads again :( But I know he's doing it for us, so I try my best to do what I can for him at home.

Now I'm watching a horror movie, watching the time go by, waiting for him to come home again. 

So, thats what's up for today. 

I'm thinking of going vegetarian for a month, sorta like a cleanse. What do you think? 

SO:

What did the cannibal get when he was late for the dinner party?

THE COLD SHOULDER!

well, *I* laughed.

Love, Janie :3

January 02, 2015 11:21am

January 02, 2015 11:21am

Before I start going on about my day so far, I think I'll set the format where I saw Hello, talk about what happened the day before, then reel back to the present. Seems pretty easy, if you're unable to follow what I'm saying, let me know in the comments.

Yesterday: Pretty much ordered over priced pizza and wings(then got a mini lecture for spending so much on pizza :\), watched bad shows and horror movies, cleaned the house, while trying to keep Dixie from constantly humping Kate. Now the humping was what got on my nerves all day. I had read online that when a female dog tries to hump another female, she was trying to assume dominance over the other, and if I saw this, I should promptly stop it. So I spent all day trying to protect my Katey-Kate from the insistent humping to no avail. Then Ben came home at 10:30(after working double shifts), took them outside and while he was wiping their paws off (they sleep in bed with us so their paws have to be clean), he noticed blood from Dixie. She was in heat and THAT'S why she was constantly humping Kate. I felt so bad, because i kept pushing her away from kate to stop what I thought was the need to dominate her. Either way, she slept in her crate with our old clothes to keep her warm.

This morning I let her out to go to the bathroom a bit, then made sure she drank some water, then put her back in. Kate kept acting crazy, wanting to stay by her crate, while Dixie kept barking because she was alone upstairs. So I put Kate in there with here and lo and behold, SILENCE. 

They seem to not want to be away from each other. It's adorable, to be honest. I brought them up some food, and they're asleep happily with each other.*cue best friend theme song here*

Now I'm eating my expensive pizza, watching a crappy horror movie, writing my to-do list for today. Clean this, clean that, hang clothes, write grocery list. Pretty mundane, but my life, only for now.

If you read my entire post about my dogs, God bless your heart lol. Sorry about that, its the best I've got.

I leave you with this:

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

My own 2015 Challenge.

And it begins.... January 01, 2015

So, for 20145(that's going to take some getting used to), I've decided to challenge myself by writing a Blog post everyday. I think it might be a challenge seeing as my days nowadays seem pretty much the same: Wake up. Makes Ben's lunch. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. get ready for the day. Let the dogs out. Clean the house. Take care of the dogs some more. Watch tv. Cook dinner. Hang out with Ben. Then sleep. There isn't much I really can do while my immigration paperwork is still being processed so, I do the best I can. 

I know, I know. My days are gloriously exciting.

Either way, I'll do my best to make it a good read for you.

Also, I did promise a post about my little DIY wedding MONTHS AGO, and I promise I'll give it to you if you're still interested. 

Still...is anyone out there, reading this? Or have you all given up on me? 

I hope not.

All my love.

~Janie

Update: January 6th, 2014

First off let me start by saying



Yes, yes... I wish you all happiness, luck and...more...happiness? :/

So, Let me update this blog. Actually, before I begin, I'll need to apologize for leaving this blog in the dark. I've been so busy with everything, i have completely ignored my poor blog. I mean, I haven't even updated Sooky Sooky! So here's my update. *knock knock* is anyone still there reading? o.O


College is NOT ova -.-

So when I went back to school to check on graduation dates, turns out one of the courses I took didn't really contribute any points to my GPA, and I had some free electives outstanding. For those of you who don't know what free electives are, they're just classes that you can take  to make up your GPA. The good news is that I get to take all the classes i've wanted to take for a while now. Like the Philosophy of Sex >.> Either way, thats the only UPSIDE of this whole thing. I have to pay the tuition myself, pay back student loans and all other things. So yea, that's it for school. >.>

Social life

I've been dating...AGAIN. So I know the last time I was telling you about a fella. Turns out that fella was a damn toad, and liked sleeping with strippers in the apartment downstairs. BLEH. To the men out there who choose to treat a good woman like shit, GO FUCK YOURSELF. Seriously. Like, up the butt. 

This guy, this guy Ben. Oh man...completely different from the type of guy i'm used to. And i can definitely see myself completely and utterly in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I dont know if I'm in love yet. But i can see it, and im open to it. So yea, we're taking it one day at a time.

Currently
Currently, I'm in Conyers, Georgia and it is FREEZING! Dear Jesus, why is it  just trying to pay my tuition and student loans back. ANNNDDD that's my financial situation. I feel like I've grown so much. I've decided to make decisions based on priorities and not things that I want.

So my question is, do you have any questions for me? I'll answer anything. except dirty ones. I aint telling you squat :P

Here's a recent photo:

HAVE A GREAT YEAR EVERYONE!

Update: July 11th, 2013

Today in Janie News.....

Allo allo everyone!

So, what's happening now....hmmmm lemme use the same format I did the last time:

School: School's done, but will be officially done with it on May 17th!
Age:23~ Yesterday was my birthday!
Hair Length & colour: Shoulder length and black & brown
Marital Status: Dating ^_^ (not a sure thing, simply taking it one day at a time)

College is ovaaaa!

Man, I am so happy to be done with school. And by "done" I mean, no longer attending but still doing exams and projects. I was getting real tired of UWI's shit, and now I no longer have to deal with it. I know I'm gonna miss hanging out with Nie, Gilly and Sasshy, but girls, we WILL see each other, and besides, if/when I get married, have a party, blah blah etc, you all have to be there! B[. 

Dating? Courting? >.> 

So, I've been...courting? a fella for about 2-3 months now and we've recently passed the friend stage and started interacting with each other like...ummm romantically? No hardcore "romance" if you get my drift, but still, romance is there. I quite like him, but i'm being careful with my heart. i don't wish to get caught up, not so soon anyway. lol he's quite a tall man, part chinese, part indian, insanely good looking and sweet. Here's the kicker, he's extremely patient...and I'm not. I'm hoping a bit of his patience will rub off on me and God knows I need to mellow out a bit. 

My 23 was the biggitty best yo!

Kay, so me, Maria and Jason went to Macau gaming & lounge. We got some vodka, rum, I got two birthday shots of flaming Bob Marleys and man was it good! Got some loaded fries which i recommend from Macau(real large pieces of bacon). I played some Poker and lost U_U. Played Roulette and lost U_U So i made the decision to go to Lucky 38 B[

Meh, the girls were alright....the ones on stage was utterly unattractive, and one couldn't dance to save her own rass life. SHe even tried to con me out of 1000. I wasnt fucking having it -_-

But this other was was good looking and could dance. So I got a birthday lap dance :D And then the stripper was like "I like you." i was like "I aint about that life girl >.>"

Then the police came and shut it down -_- laammmeee. We went home and slept our little hearts out. a good day indeed. 

Here's a recent photo:

BYYYEEEE GUUUYYSSSS!

Now I'm simply....Jane.

So, after a year long hiatus  I'm back....kind of. So here's a breakdown of my life and where I'm at now:

I AM NO LONGER INSANE JANE.

That girl is long gone and all that's left...is me.

School: Final Year of college(and very excited)
Age:22 (Just in case you weren't keeping track)
Hair Length & colour:(yes this is important!) Neck length and black & brown
Marital Status: Very single...and very ready to mingle.

So, final year of college. Very excited to be finished with college, and finally being able to find a decent enough job to move out of my mom's house and begin LIVING. Although I've experienced quite a bit of ups and downs from UWI, I do admit, with determination and a strongly written letter, you can possibly get ANYTHING out of them. Alas, I cannot say I will miss it. What happens after college, you ask? I don't know. What do I WANT to happen? Film school...directing amazing, unique movies that'll blow your mind...and I won't stop until I make this happen.

Being 22 years old doesn't really feel as different as being 20, or 21, really. I haven't changed much physically, other than the minor weight gain post-breakup. What can I say? for the past  *counts on fingers* 6 months cake, candy and cookies have been my best friends.

I HAVE made major changes emotionally and psychologically. I think and act different, I know, you don't have to tell me. I see it for myself. I'm less trusting of people, I'm more of a recluse now, I find myself no longer craving human contact as I used to. Although there are days when I yearn for someone to hold...anyway, no sob stories -_-

As for my hair cut that most of you have protested, I once said I would be over it like it was a dirty Vietnamese prostitute. I have now reached that stage -_- At the time, it was so...symbolic for me to cut it. Like cutting away all the negative things(my relationships both sibling and romantically...no, not incest -_-) and it meant, for me, a new start. To begin from nothing and grow again. And I have. I've grown so much. I make decisions differently, I choose things that are NECESSARY. Material things hold no meaning to me, and I must say, I'm quite happy with this new ideology I've adapted.

As for my marital status....well, let's just say, I'm ready to love again. So whoever he is, wherever he is, if he's even out there, I hope we find each other.

Here's a secret: i'm getting a job in the entertainment industry soon....and that's all i'm saying on the matter.

Alien out.

Oh, and if you're not my friend on Facebook, here's what I look like now:

Short hair was okay for a while...just grow back already >_<

The Romantic sooky sooky story part 15

"The princess suffered a gunshot wound to the neck, and was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. Today Princess Aarti, all of Russia weeps for you. May you rest in peace."

Sasha shut the television off and and leaned further back on his pillows. The woman to his left shuffled a bit, her naked form protruding from under the sheets, her platinum blonde hair hiding her face. He wanted to shout at her, tell her that she never should've done what she did, that she would never satisfy him like Aarti would. But how could he hurt his own mother?

She stirred again and hugged him. Her eyes fluttered open, revealing light gray eyes, a content smile on her face. "Today Sasha, today is the day we meet with the council...and I will be the Queen of Russia."

He simply nodded and abruptly rose from the silk bed. She frowned and watched his naked form head for the bathroom. Before he could enter she spoke, "Are you not happy for your dear mother?" He stopped suddenly, his head hung now, "Thrilled." With that, he entered the bathroom and closed the door without so much as a glance at her.

********
They entered the council room, surrounded by dozens of men, all dressed as judges. Sasha stayed behind as Lady Fedorov walked to the center of the room, mentally prepared for whatever they had to say. She wasn't leaving until that crown was bestowed on her head.

She wore a black 18th century type of dress and a black netted veil over her face, to show great respect to the council as well as to show her dedication to her mourning for her husband and 'daughter'. She bowed low to the whole room and awaited the head councilman to speak.

"Rise Lasy Fedorov." The highest Lord, Lord Gorbachov said, his voice strong and commanding. She rose slowly, a crocodile tear running down her face. Gorbachov continued.


"For your loss Lady Fedorov," this time the whole council rose, "...we send our sincerest condolences..." She cried even harder now as Sasha appeared at her side, holding her close. She sniffle then nodded to him. He nodded and return to his place by the entrance. She turned back to the council, and unseen glint in her eyes as they all sat down. 


"Although we hate to do this, there are situations that must be dealt with NOW."  The men in the room began to whisper among themselves now. "Now that the king AND princess have perished, both in less than 2 weeks, Russia is left without a sovereign. There have been suggestions of you, or your son, running the state."


She turned around angrily and looked at Sasha, who's eyes were currently bulging out of his head. He simply looked away and coughed. 


"We have been discussing it all morning, and have decided to vote." Gorbachov rose and looked at his colleagues. "All in favour of Sasha Petrov, Baron of Russia, becoming Sovereign of State, raise your hand." Out of the 45 other council members, 13 raised their arms. Gorbachov wrote down the number and asked again. "All in favour Lady Ivanka Fedorov, becoming Sovereign of State, raise your hands." 22 men slowly raised their hands. Gorbachov wrote the number and looked around, "I'm assuming the rest of you are all still either mourning, or indifferent." Some nodded, the rest just stared at him. 


He turned to her now, her handkerchief over her mouth, hiding the wide smile, while her eyes still bore a look of sadness. "Lady Nadyenka Fedorov, as of this moment, you are Sovereign of State, Queen of Russia. Your coronation will be two weeks from now. For now both the King's and Princess' funerals will be tended to in a couple of days, and then you will be quickly crowned." 


She bowed humbly, her forehead almost touching the shiny tiles. "If you see me fit council, I shall humbly accept this, but know that I accept with a heavy mind and a saddened heart. My heart will forever be empty, with half of my family gone."

They all bowed in response to her. "Now rise Queen of Russia." She rose, "You are dismissed." She nodded for the last time and left the council room, Sasha bowed a last time, and followed closely behind. 


*************************************
chap 16: explanations, explanations

The Romantic Sooky Sooky story part 14

He felt the bed move beneath him, then an arm encircle his waist as he instinctively wrapped his arms around the warmth. He felt content, a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time. He snuggled closer to the warmth and slowly opened his eyes to see black...everywhere. He shifted his eyes downwards to see a very lightly tanned delicate ear, pierced with a white pearl earring.

He lifted his head to see that somehow, they had found their way to each other, and he was now holding her close, her face right below his chin. He thought for a while, 'Should I get up? Or switch positions? I don't want to wake her...' He sighed and put his head down, closing his eyes. 'Thank God it's Sunday,' he thought as he slipped into a deep sleep again.

*3 hours later*
He felt like he was being watched, no...stared down. He opened his eyes, and looked down to see her oceanic eyes piercing into him. She whispered, a crimson blush lightly painting her face, "How did I get here?" He frowned, "You were in an accident and-", "Net," she interrupted him, causing him to stop his explanation, "I mean, how did I get..." she looked at her own arms, wrapped around him, "Like this?" He lied, "We must have done it in our sleep." Well, it was only a half lie. They were sleeping, he just kind of allowed it to happen.

She was still blushing as she thought of something to say. "Are...Are you hungry?" her voice seemed timid and shy. "A little." He replied.

She awkwardly removed her arm, and sat up. She crawled to the edge of the bed where she glimpsed the clock. It was 1:36, which mean they slept for about 14 hours. She opened the fridge and retrieved some ham, baby lettuce, pickles, olives, mustard and mayo. She began toasting 4 slices of bread, then washed the lettuce.

She made two ham sandwiches for them both, along with glasses of orange juice. She sat two seats away from him at the counter, staring into her sandwiches as though they held the secret of the universe between the lettuce and tomatoes. He cleared his throat, and her eyes found his. "I'm sorry about...waking up like that." She shook her head, "It wasn't your fault.." He nodded then went back to eating, as did she.

An awkward silence befell them.

"I have a lot of stuff to do today." He said as he took a sip of orange juice, "What kind of stuff?" she asked, taking a bite of her sandwich. "Supermarket, dry cleaners then I wanted to go and visit my parents." She nodded, "Okay." He popped a sliced olive in his mouth, "Would you like to come along?" She stopped drinking her juice and put the half full glass on the counter, "Really?" He turned to her now, "Sure, why not? You're cooped up in here all day. A little fresh air and something to do will be fun for you." A little smile crossed her face. She nodded and quickly ate. As she swallowed the last of her juice, she quickly put the plate and glass into the dishwasher, grabbed some clothes and entered the bathroom. She took a quick shower, brushed her teeth and clipped her hair into a simple pony tail. She opened the door after 10 minutes dressed in simple navy skinny jeans and white turtle neck sweater white a panda bear on the front, her socks on. "I'm ready!"

He smiled, "I can see that. Let me take a shower." She nodded, sitting then swinging her legs a little on her stool. 10 minutes later he emerged from his room in dark jeans and a tan sweater. He walked over and retrieved her jacket and boots and handed them to her. "Here you go." She took them eagerly, putting them on as fast as she could. He chuckled as he slipped his black snow boots on, along with his heavy padded, tan jacket. They left the apartment walking beside each other.

~*At the Supermarket*~

"Okay, since you'll be the one cooking, how about I just follow you around and you pick things up?" he said, almost a little relieved that he didn't have to shop. She nodded happily and walked in front of the grocery cart he was pushing. She remembered what Rachel Ray and Ina Garten taught her, picking up vegetables and jars of olives, and cheese. Then some steak and chicken.

The left they supermarket each holding two paper bags, "Wow, we went all out, didn't we?" he said, chuckling. She nodded happily, a slight blush on her face.

He walked to the end of the street and turned into a tiny shop. "Hey, I'm here to pick up my dry cleaning," he said the man around the counter.

"Ticket." The man simply replied, his accent faint.

"Oh," he replied, searching through his pockets, pulling out a crushed piece of paper. He handed it to the man, who nodded and turned to the clothes hung behind him. After 3 minutes, the short man returned with some shirts and pants covered in plastic. "Here." He said then suddenly froze. His eyes met cerulean orbs and he nearly dropped the hangers.

"Printsessa?" He mumbled, losing all feeling from his feet.

"Izvinite menya?(excuse me?)" She was puzzled, she could have sworn she heard the man call her a princess.

He fell to the floor, grovelling at her, "Ya tak chest byt' v vas prisut-stviya!(I am honoured to be in your presence!)" He began kissing her feet, and hugging her legs. She managed to squirm away from him, to run behind of James and press her face into his back.

The man rose and began to walk towards them, causing both James to take a step back. "Hey man, you're scaring her!" The man stopped, his eyes fixed on Leena,whispering to himself, "Printsessa Rossi v moem magazine!"

The man was distracted as James grabbed his clothes, and left, Leena on his tail unable to hold on to him. She only gripped her grocery bags tighter.

After 5 minutes of brisk walking, he turned to her, "What was he saying? Was he crazy?" She turned to him, her eyes lost and confused, "he said he was honored to be in my presence. I...I could not hear anything else." He nodded and looked ahead of him, he could see the red roof of his parents house. "We're almost to my parents...let's not mention the crazy guy to them alright? We'll discuss it when we get home." 

She nodded and looked ahead.

They walked up to the house and knocked on the door. He heard the small peephole open then close followed by a lock being unlocked. The door opened to reveal a blond woman, streaks of gray littered her hair. Her face was lightly wrinkled, and her brown eyes twinkled when she smiled. "Jimmy, brought me all these gifts?" she said jokingly. James laughed and walked into the house, placing all the bags on the ground and the clothes and a coat hanger. He turned around and embraced his mother briefly, "Hey mom. How've you been?" She smiled and ran her hand through her hair, "I've been well. You're father on the other hand is such a stubborn man." He chuckled, "Is he eating cake again?" His mother sighed and threw her hands in the air in frustration, "The man has diabetes and wants to eat bacon! Could you please tell him he's not a young lad anymore?" James chuckled, as well as his mother.

Her eyes caught the young girl who clung to her grocery bags as if not to be seen. "Ah, and who is this?" his mother asked sweetly. He turned to Leena and smiled, "Oh, this is Leena. My....friend. She'll be staying with me for a while." His mother raised her brow at him. He mouthed, "I'll explain later." She nodded and walked over to the young girl, "Here dear, put those down so that I may properly introduce myself." 

Leena hesistantly put the bags by James' and stood and stared at the older woman before her. Suddenly, she was enveloped in a hug. She stood frozen, then gently wrapped her arms around the woman. She was warm, and soft, and smelled like apple pie. 'Like a mother...' she thought as the woman held her away from her body to get a proper look at her. "You're such a pretty little thing! What's your name dear?" The younger woman mumbled, "Leena, ma'am." 

"Well my name is Selene. Your accent...where are you from, Leena?" The blond asked. 

"Russia. What part...I don't know." Leena replied solemnly.

"Oh." Selene replied, looking towards her son who mouthed, "leave it alone."

"I hate soy cheesecake!" A voice from the kitchen shouted in frustration. Selene and James smiled as they both turned towards the kitchen to see a tall, brown haired my(with gray streaks), blue eyes and a beard. He was the splitting image of James, except for the eyes. He was about to argue when he saw his son and a strange young woman. "James, my boy, what brings you?" He put the offensive cheesecake in the fireplace, causing his wife to grumble, and walked over to the three. He briefly hugged his son and turned to the girl. He stuck his hand out, "Name's Jonathon, dear. This one's father." He said, gesturing to James. 

She thought Jonathon was familiar. He screamed 'father' as the crows feet on his face showed age as well as knowledge. She suddenly felt the urge to curtsy, "Leena." 

Everyone stared at her puzzled as to why she would do such a thing. She was confused as well, it was just an urge, something she felt like she should do. Jonathon smiled and bowed as well, "Nice to meet you mi'lady."

She was suddenly lost in her thoughts as she saw people in her head, curtsying as she walked by, or when they came before her. She had been standing. seemingly zoned out as James called her name. "Leena...you alright?"

She sighed and stared at him, "I remember something."

Chapter 15 spoiler- What happens when  the throne is up for grabs?

The Romantic Sooky Sooky story part 13

He awoke to the familiar scent of potatoes and coffee. It seemed as if  they had gotten into a small routine of eating breakfast, having a small conversation, then him leaving to go to work and coming home later to find a nice home cooked meal on the table. He actually quite liked it.

He rose out of bed and slowly walked to the kitchen. following the savory scent of food and suddenly stopped in his tracks. There she was on the balcony, barefoot in the snow wearing the long white skirt, a white long sleeve sweater, her hair down just staring into the sky, allowing the snowflakes to fall and melt on her face. He unconsciously held his breath...she looked like an angel. He shook his head and quickly opened the glass door, ran outside and grabbed her hand, pulling her towards he apartment. He dragged her in and quickly closed the door behind him, then turned around in anger, "What were you doing out there?! You could have been frozen to death!"

She simply stared at him, her mind blank and her eyes void of any emotions. He sighed and walked into the living room to retrieve her blanket. He wrapped her in it, but it fell. She was just...standing there. He growled in frustration and scooped her up bridal stye and laid her on her bed/couch, and tucked her in, hoping to get the purple colour to subside from her toes, fingers and lips. He walked into the kitchen to get her a cup of coffee when he heard her speak.

"I remember...when...when I was a little girl..." she said, he quickly left the empty mug to sit beside her on her bed, "I loved the snow..." she whispered.

Her eyes met his as he smiled wide, "so you're remembering things!"

She looked away from him, "I saw the snow and that was the only thing I remembered."

He was puzzled, " so how'd you know the little girl was you?"

She snuggled under her blankets, "She had the same color eyes as mine."

He scratched his chin, "Maybe a cousin or something? I dunno.."

"Net....it was me."

He looked at her and saw the sadness etched on her face. He had no idea what to say to her...he's never been in her shoes. He got up, went to his room and re-emerged with his clothes and shoes on. He walked over to the door grabbed his jacket, then grabbed hers and threw it on the bed beside her. "Put that and your uggs on, we're going out for breakfast."

She numbly nodded, slipped her feet into her shoes, put her coat on and stood beside him.

*Cafe'*

"This scone...is delicious." She said, a little smile spread across her face, a little blueberry jam on the corner of her mouth. He smiled and handed her a napkin and touched the corner of his mouth. She took the napkin, puzzled as to why he would give it to her. He took the napkin and nervously wiped the jam off. A crimson red was instantly painted on her face. He put the napkin down and before he could open his mouth again, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Fancy seeing you here!" The voice was familiar but he couldn't figure it out until he turned around. There was Abi (Nurse Smith) standing with a styrofoam cup in her hands, he red hair in a bun, her eyes painted with make-up. 'They're nothing like the turquoise blue of Leena's....wait, where'd that come from?' he thought, shaking the image from his mind.

"Abi, nice to see you again." He said politely.

"Nice to see you James!" He thought she sounded a little too excited.

"Oh," she turned to the young girl dressed in full white and threw a small wave, "Hello."

As Leena opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by Abi. "So James, how have you been?"

He took a bite of a scone, "Good. Leena's doing great too. She speaks a little English now."

Abi's eyes caught Leena's now, "Oh, she does. That's nice." She turned back to James, as Leena's eyes cast downward.

"Anyways, we should have lunch sometime, or coffee, y'know?"

"Uhh, if I have the time, maybe. I've got your number, so I'll give you a call. Okay?" he said a little uninterested.

Her smile dimmed a bit, but she nodded then smiled even wider. "Okay, just give me a call, okay?"

He nodded.

"Well, I'll see you later, okay?"

"Yea, sure. No problem." He said, almost begging her to go, he had no idea why, but Abi made him a tad uncomfortable.

She looked at Leena, and there seemed to be a small glimmer of animosity, then turned and walked away.

Leena flinched, and quickly found the mug of her hot cocoa and stared into it.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked, holding out another scone to her.

She took it, and bit a small piece, "Das, I am fine."

He nodded and sipped his cocoa.

They finished their breakfast and were walking down the street. "Do you not work today?" she asked quietly.

"Today's Saturday. I dont work on Saturdays and Sundays." He said, his hands safely away in the warmth of his pockets.

"Oh." A little smile on her face.

He side glanced her, noticing the smile and smiled to himself.

He suddenly grabbed her hand and began running causing Leena to stumble over herself a couple times.

He suddenly stopped, causing her to fall on her bum. He looked down at her, breathing hard, as she looked up at him doing the same. Then she burst into a fit of giggles, that caused him to laugh as well. He helped her up, and opened the door to his apartment. They both went up the stairs, still laughing and settled into the couch bed. He turned the television on, then turned to her. "Wanna watch a movie?"

She smiled and nodded.

He changed the channels until he found the Sixth Sense and made popcorn. They settled in the couch bed together, a foot away from each other and watched movies all day until they eventually fell asleep.

Spoiler alert 14- Feelings start to develop....they're only human.